“Just forgive them.”
How many times have you heard that? How many times have you been told to simply 'let it go,' 'move on,' or 'be the bigger person' when someone has deeply hurt you? It’s a mantra whispered in therapy sessions, preached from pulpits, and shared by well-meaning friends. It sounds so simple, so wise, so... healing.
But what if I told you that 'just forgive' is, in many cases, the most dangerous advice you'll ever receive?
I've seen it, lived it, and watched countless others stumble into its trap. This seemingly benevolent counsel often isn't about liberation; it's about bypass, denial, and a subtle form of self-betrayal that can leave you more wounded than before.
The All-Too-Common Mantra (and Its Hidden Dangers)
We live in a culture obsessed with quick fixes, and emotional pain is no exception. Forgiveness has been packaged as a magic pill – a one-size-fits-all solution to every grievance. The idea is that by forgiving, you instantly release yourself from the burden of anger, resentment, and pain. Sounds great, right?
The problem is, real emotional processing doesn't work like that. Healing is messy, non-linear, and often requires sitting with discomfort, not sweeping it under the rug. When someone tells you to 'just forgive,' they're often inadvertently encouraging you to:
- Bypass your legitimate pain: Your feelings of hurt, anger, or betrayal are valid. They are signals. Ignoring them is like ignoring a fire alarm.
- Excuse the offender: It subtly shifts the focus from the other person's accountability to your supposed 'failure' to forgive.
- Internalize the burden: Instead of processing the external harm, you're told to fix your internal state, implying your pain is the problem, not the wound itself.
This isn't healing; it's emotional repression dressed up in spiritual clothing.
Why 'Just Forgive' Can Be Emotional Poison
It Silences Your Pain
Imagine you've been cut. Deeply. Now imagine someone telling you, “Just don’t feel the pain. It’s better for you.” You wouldn't do it. You’d clean the wound, maybe get stitches, and allow it to heal. Emotional wounds are no different.
When you're pressured to 'just forgive,' you're often forced to silence the very emotions that are trying to tell you something important about what happened and what you need. Suppressing these feelings doesn't make them disappear; it makes them fester, often manifesting as anxiety, depression, or chronic resentment.
It Excuses the Offender
One of the most insidious aspects of forced forgiveness is how it can inadvertently let the person who caused the harm off the hook. If you're told to 'just forgive,' there's less emphasis on accountability, remorse, or genuine change from the other party.
This is particularly dangerous in situations of ongoing abuse or manipulation. Forgiveness, in these contexts, can become a tool for the abuser to maintain control, using your 'compassion' against you.
It Erodes Your Boundaries
If you're constantly forgiving without genuine acknowledgment of the harm, without the establishment of new boundaries, or without a change in behavior from the other party, you're teaching yourself a dangerous lesson: that your pain doesn't matter, and that it's okay for others to violate your emotional space.
True forgiveness, if it ever comes, should never come at the cost of your self-respect or your safety. It should be an act of empowerment, not submission.
What True Healing (and Forgiveness, If It Comes) Actually Looks Like
Let's be clear: I'm not saying forgiveness is bad. I'm saying forced, premature, or boundary-less forgiveness is dangerous. True healing is a process, and it looks very different from the 'just forgive' mantra.
Acknowledge and Validate Your Pain
The first, most crucial step is to feel what you feel. Allow yourself to be angry, sad, betrayed. Your emotions are valid. Give them space. Journal, talk to a trusted friend or therapist, scream into a pillow if you need to. This is how you process, not bypass.
Set Unshakeable Boundaries
Protecting yourself is paramount. This might mean limiting contact with the person who hurt you, ending a relationship, or clearly communicating what is and isn't acceptable. Your well-being is not negotiable.
Focus on Your Liberation, Not Their Absolution
If forgiveness is to happen, it should be for *you*. It's about releasing the grip of the past on your present. It's about finding peace not by condoning what happened, but by choosing not to let it define your future. This doesn't require reconciliation or even telling the other person you've forgiven them. It's an internal process.
Forgiveness as a Process, Not a Command
Sometimes, forgiveness comes naturally after a long period of healing, boundary setting, and self-reflection. Sometimes, it never comes, and that's okay too. The goal is not to forgive; the goal is to heal and live a full, authentic life. If forgiveness is a byproduct of that journey, wonderful. If not, your peace is still valid and achievable.
So, the next time someone tells you to 'just forgive,' pause. Remember that your healing journey is yours alone. It's complex, it's personal, and it certainly isn't a simple command. Prioritize your peace, your boundaries, and your authentic self, above all else.
